Here is chapter 2. Leave your suggestions a advice please, I'm hoping that by chapter 4 all the kinks will be worked out so you can enjoy the stroy alot more. I have taken most of everyones advice and used it. Book 5: Shadow?????????????????????? Chapter 2: Into the valley part 2 The battle waged raged ??on and the weather didn???t seem to get any better. Sokka and Aang ran across the rocky plain, having to duck every now and then from a shot of fire flying by. ???Aang, you need to get up on that ledge and take care of those catapults so my men can move forward,??? said Sokka. Commas are your friend. Remember that when you end a quote of someone talking, you need some sort of a punctuation mark. If you need a period, put a comma instead. I'm not going to mark that later on in the story, though, so just remember this. ???Alright??? I???ll do my best,??? replied Aang Aang created an air sphere and jumped on. He zoomed past the enemy troops almost knocking them on there back because of the great speed he was able to go at. You might want to just say "because of the great speed" or something a little shorter.?? ??He zipped straight up the face of the valley to wear (where) the catapults were located. Aang landed perfectly on his feet at the top only to be met by the renegade soldiers. One soldier attempted to hit Aang but missed when Aang jumped right over him. Aang froze a dozen or so of the large droplets of rain and sent them forward knocking the soldiers right off the side of the ledge. Aang looked down the ledge to make sure Sokka was ok. It's usually customary to only use the abbreviation of "okay" when people are talking. He appeared to be in a fistfight with another soldier. Aang however had no time to go assist Sokka because the catapults were laying siege to the water tribe???s camps. Aang got in his earth-bending stance and send a burst of rock right down the floor of the ledge ripping threw (through) the catapults. This sentence had good potential. The battle area was safe and the soldiers of the water tribes jumped from behind their barricades and began to push back the renegades. Aang watched from above the valley as the water soldiers pushed the renegades into the caves leading into tunnels deep beneath the valley???s surface. Aang jumped off the ledge and landed on his feet softly to meet up with Sokka. ?? ???Well, looks like this fights over,??? said Sokka ???What makes you think that???? replied Aang ???Well there (they're) stuck under the earth and you are technically a master earth bender so you can just you know???? insisted Sokka. "You can just you know?" is a bit awkward. I would add a "..." between the just and the you and add something about Sokka gesturing, but that's just me. ???Sokka are you crazy they may be are enemies but I am not going to do something as horrible as that,??? replied Aang. "Sokka are you crazy?" and "They may be enemies..." should be two different sentences. ???Why not they???ve tried to hurt you and your friends you could put a huge dent in their plans right now so why are you hesitating!??? yelled Sokka. Again it blends two sentences together. Also, "hesitating" should be followed by a question mark. It would also add greater variety if you used the form of "Sokka yelled" rather than continually doing the reverse. Alternating every now and then helps the story stay fluid. ???Because I am not just going to kill hundreds in cold blood I am suppose to keep peace not kill hundreds??? replied Aang in a defensive voice. This part is a high point of the story; to make it even higher you could seperated "Because I am... in cold blood," with "I am supposed... not kill hundreds." ???Why not you sure seemed to kill Ozai in cold blood oh wit (what) how many others have there been. (been?) You sure didn???t think twice about some of them ??? said Sokka. ???You know I wasn???t in control of myself at the time!??? said Aang now right in front of Sokka face. ???Fine but if even one of my men is hurt down there that???s one husband, father or son who won???t be returning home. Just think about that while you???re down there,??? replied Sokka poking his finger at Aang. This is definetely the best part of the??chapter in my opinion. It's really a great argument and both sides have validity. Aang did not replay (respond?) to Sokka???s remark and instead held his head low. His stomach felt heavy as he walked past the soldiers giving him looks of disbelieve. (disbelief) ???Alright men(,) lets go,??? commanded Sokka. ??Hooray! The tunnels were lit very poorly; a few torches attached to the walls on the cave were lit giving a small bit of light. Sokka and Aang were at the front of the group of about forty men(,) leading the way. ???All right everyone(,) be very quite??(quiet)(.)??we don???t want them to know that were (we're) coming??? whispered Sokka to everyone behind him. The group continued down deeper under the earth. Drops of cold water made their way threw the ground and would occasionally hit some one on the head. ???Look Sokka(!) a light!??? said Aang. Sokka pulled a small paper from one of his pockets and began to examine it. ???From the maps of these tunnels I have I think were nearing the center point of the valley,??? said Sokka. Aang leaned in to take a peak (peek) into the center room. ???Sokka(,) there???s a few guys in there??? whispered Aang. One of the renegade soldiers turned there (not nessecary)??around to notice Aang staring at them. ???Run!??? yelled one of them. Aang quickly blocked them with a quick kick to the ground and a large slab of rock rose from the ground and blocked their way. Neat! An adverb describing Aang's action would make it terriffic. However, typically you should avoid saying and more than once in a sentence, even if you have a reason, unless you're making a point of it. The renegades tried to get out the other way but were met with just another wall of rock. Finally coming to their senses the soldiers dropped to their knees and put their hands up in the air in defeat. ???Its about time you people gave up??? said Sokka to the soldiers who just stared in disgust at him. ???Soldier(,)??(a name would be more realistic)??go tell the remaining captains to take there troops threw (through) the rest of the tunnels and clear out the rest of the renegades??? commanded Sokka. ???Yes Sir??? replied the soldier who then started running towards the exit. ???Come on Aang(.) lets get out of here??? said Sokka. Aang just stayed silent and followed. ?? When the two emerged outside again the rain had finally stopped and rays of light were beginning to break threw (through)??the wall of gray clouds in the sky. ???Finally the weather is improving(,)??? said Sokka. Aang still would not talk to him. ???Look Aang im sorry about before, (.)??its (It's) just you know I have to look out for these guys and I don???t want to see any of them hurt??? said Sokka who was trying to apologize to Aang. ???I guess I understand,??? replied Aang. ???Come on bud cheer up??? said Sokka. Aang smirked and Sokka gave him a punch in the arm saying, ???Come on Aang, friends???? ???Ya (Yeah is a lot more commonly accepted) I guess,??? said Aang with a smile on his face. ???Good, well I guess all see you around then,??? said Sokka. ???I???ll see you at the next fight then??? laughed Aang. ???Oh that???s right I almost forgot. If you don???t have to go anywhere the earth king is having his annual ball in Omashu. I don???t really want to go but Arnook says I have to but (and, not but) I thought I would visit Toph while I was there. So you want to come???? asked Sokka. ??? I don???t know,??? replied Aang. ???Oh Katara got invited too. It took me I while to persuade her, she has just been moping for the last week ever since??she broke up with that boy friend (boyfriend is one word) of hers??? said Sokka. ???Well I guess I can go,??? said Aang with excitement. ???Alright I will see you there??? replied Sokka. ?? Coming soon Chapter 3: The Earth Kings Ball Note: the main story will begin next chapter and all the charchters Zuko,Toph,Katara and more will be back. |