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Book 5 Fanfic: Done with Fic because no one will give it a chance and read it

  • Avatar of Tv-man117

    Tv-man117

    [1]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/09/06
    • level: 4
    • rank: Thighmaster
    • posts: 102

    It is book 5 Shadow the story takes place seven years after the events in which Aang defeated Fire lord Ozai. I wont go into full detail about my idea of book three and four but suffice to at the end of book 2 the gang was split Zuko captured Aang katara was captured with the guru toph and sokka escaped zuko came to his senses broke out aang the two became freinds. Katara and the guru (who is indeed an airbender) reunited the remaining airbenders. Sokka and Toph??allied the water tribes and earth kingdom and sieged the fire nation capital during the eclpise in which they failed. Iroh and Ozai duked it out in the end of book three in which Iroh lost and was killed. In book four zuko searches for his mother the gang travels around and eventually back to ba sing se to meet with the leaders of the air water and earth nations. Zuko finds Jin again in ba sing se were is mother is located she finds out his idientity. They find Ursa who revelas the events of the night when Azulon died. She has become sick and convinces Zuko to take his fathers place before she leaves for good. There was a huge war in which without Sokka military planning would have failed????against the fire nation on there capitol again on the eve of??sozins comet passes. Aang, Zuko, and Katara manage to make it to the fire nation palace doors wear they are confronted by Azula. Zuko and Azula fight one last great battle. Ozai is going to use a mask called Sozins mask in which his grand father created to harnest the whole power of the comet into the one mask. Aang and??Katara battle Ozai in which they are defeated easily.??Ozai fed up and about to finish??Aang when Avatar Roku appears and buys??Aang some time.??Ozai puts Roku down not as easily but does however and goes to finish Aang. instead he??takes out katara in which Aang goes into a??fury beyond the Avatar state. Ozai used Sozins??mask and the comet ot become so powerful it changed his shape into??a??giant fire type monster (think balrog from lord of the rings kinda cheesy but could be cool)??Each elements spirit fuses with aang like in siege of the north creating a merged giant spirit with aang in its heart.??threw out??all the comotion paku and been fataly wounded and usued his last??bit of life to heal katara. Paku dies then. Ozai is killed Zuko??becomes fire lord and the nations are allied.

    Edited on 12/18/2006 4:19pm
    Edited 20 total times.
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  • Avatar of Tv-man117

    Tv-man117

    [2]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/09/06
    • level: 4
    • rank: Thighmaster
    • posts: 102

    Here is chapter 1 I know its long but please give it a chance i really think you will like it leave comments please.

    Book 5: Shadow???? Chapter 1: Into the Valley

    The sun is shining bright and the wind whistles across the skies over top a floor of clouds. A white bison shoots into view flying over top the bunched up clouds. ???Appa yip yip??? commanded Aang. Appa flies up and shoots down threw the wall of clouds into the storm. Aang and Appa plummet down from the skies, the rain pouring down. Lighting shoots down right beside the two as they plummet down wards into the rocky valley. As they grew closer Aang could start to make out the hundreds of water tribe benders and soldiers battle renegade earth benders and fire benders. ???See you later buddy,??? yelled Aang. Aang turned around searching for his staff franticly but could barley make out anything because of the amount of rain blurring his vision. After feeling around for it Aang finally grabs the wooden staff and throws it out into the sky, the staff opens its sides and glides in front of Appa whose vision was blurred and seemed to be rocking from side to side. ???Hold on for just a while longer Appa all see you down there??? yelled Aang. Aang dived off Appas head and grabbed the staff and began to decent into the ongoing battle. The renegade earth benders and fire benders were launching giant balls of fire from their catapults into the water tribe soldier???s bunkers.

    ??

    ?????Hurry up launch another one before the avatar gets here I think I can see him??? yelled one of the renegade soldiers. ???What I can barley see you with all this rain???! Replied the other soldier. ???Just light the damn thing,??? yelled the commanding soldier. The soldier lit the ball of flammable straws and objects with fire bending. ???Fire!??? yelled the commander. The catapult let the ball loose and fired it flying across the sky. ???Almost there??? muttered Aang. Aang could see a bright light coming from his left it was a fireball headed right for him. ???Just my luck??? Aang said to himself. Aang turned his staff to the left and headed straight for the ball of fire. He removed his right hand from the staff and got ready to air bender. Trying to keep his glider steady with one hand he still was able to maneuver an attack. Aang sent shots of air right threw the ball putting the fire out instantly and shredding the ball of yarns to pieces. ???I really should think up of a more creative way to destroy those things,??? Aang muttered to himself. He turned his glider to the east and headed towards a small camp behind some stalagmites. Aang landed in near the small camp.

    ??

    ??Soldiers were running around franticly giving orders to soldiers, and tending to the wounded. ???Were losing him,??? yelled one soldier near Aang who was tending to a water tribe soldier who had been hit with a shot of fire. Aang ran over to help the doctor. ???How is he??? asked Aang. ???He???s been hit pretty bad??? bad yelled the solider. The thunder roared loudly and Aang turned his head around briefly. ???Can you help him all the water benders are out in the battle field???? asked the solider. ???Alright stand back,??? said Aang. The soldier was moaning and was dieing quicker by the second. Aang water bent the water from the surrounding puddles and coated the man in a bubble of water. His wound glowed for a moment at the soldier opened his eyes. Aang dropped the water and the solider sat up. ???Thank you avatar how will I have repay you??? said the solider. ???Don???t worry about it, its what I do best,??? replayed Aang.

    ??

    A soldier approached Aang his tunic completely cover in mud. ??? Avatar Aang sir general Sokka is waiting for you??? said the soldier. ???Alright take me to him??? replied Aang. The solider took Aang to Sokka who was sitting behind a stalagmite wiping the mud and dirt from his sword. Sokka now in his early twenties was much bigger and masculine. He wore the same style of clothing Master Paku wore in wars when he was running the army. Sokka now wore his father???s style of hair. ???It???s about time you got here, its hell out there??? snickered Sokka. ???I noticed,??? replied Aang. Aang sat beside him behind the rock. ???So how have you been??? asked Sokka. ???Same old same old??? replied Aang. ???Interesting??? said Sokka. Just then a large boulder crashed threw the protecting wall leaving a gap in the wall protecting the water tribe soldiers. ???Oh this cant get any better,??? said Sokka. Aang peaked his head around the rock protecting the two. Sokka grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. ???Are you crazy!??? yelled Sokka. ???What??? replied Aang? ???Well if you want to get hit in the face with a huge rock go ahead and see what???s going on, I???ve almost been hit by three today already??? said Sokka. ???Alright, alright, jeez I don???t get these renegades and there ways,??? said Aang. ???Well the fire benders don???t want Zuko leading them, and most of the earth benders are former members of the Dai Lee they don???t want to be allied,??? replied Sokka. ???We out number them what there doing??? Aang???s reply was cut short when a fire boulder crashed into the wall next to the two. ???Alight that???s it, im cold, hungry and have been fighting all day I say we end this now??? said Sokka. ???Alright ready??? said Aang. ???Ready replied Sokka. The two ran out from behind the rock and charged into the battle.

    Chapter 2 coming soon.

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    Edited on 11/11/2006 10:33am
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  • Avatar of Tv-man117

    Tv-man117

    [3]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/09/06
    • level: 4
    • rank: Thighmaster
    • posts: 102
    If you guys dont leave your comments i wont post chapter 2.
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  • Avatar of piranhapete

    piranhapete

    [4]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 12/31/04
    • level: 11
    • rank: Red Shirted Lt.
    • posts: 3,135
    Tv-man117 wrote:

    Here is chapter 1 I know its long but please give it a chance i really think you will like it leave comments please.

    Book 5: Shadow???? Chapter 1: Into the Valley

    The sun is shining bright and the wind whistles across the skies over top a floor of clouds.

    This sentence is in present tense, but many other sentences are in past tense.

    A white bison shoots into view flying over top the bunched up clouds. ???Appa yip yip??? commanded Aang.

    Like this one.

    Appa flies up and shoots down threw the wall of clouds into the storm. Aang and Appa plummet down from the skies, the rain pouring down. Lighting shoots down right beside the two as they plummet down wards into the rocky valley. As they grew closer Aang could start to make out the hundreds of water tribe benders and soldiers battle renegade earth benders and fire benders.

    I read it five times and I still can't figure out what this sentence means...

    ???See you later buddy,??? yelled Aang. Aang turned around searching for his staff franticly but could barley make out anything because of the amount of rain blurring his vision.

    Good imagery.

    After feeling around for it Aang finally grabs the wooden staff and throws it out into the sky, the staff opens its sides and glides in front of Appa whose vision was blurred and seemed to be rocking from side to side. ???Hold on for just a while longer Appa all see you down there??? yelled Aang. Aang dived off Appas head and grabbed the staff and began to decent

    I'm trying not to be picky about the grammar, but this should be "began to descend" or "began his descent."

    into the ongoing battle. The renegade earth benders and fire benders were launching giant balls of fire from their catapults into the water tribe soldier???s bunkers.

    ??A bit interesting, I guess.

    ?????Hurry up launch another one before the avatar gets here I think I can see him??? yelled one of the renegade soldiers. ???What I can barley

    Second time this typo is made... it's "barely."

    see you with all this rain???! Replied the other soldier. ???Just light the damn thing,??? yelled the commanding soldier. The soldier lit the ball of flammable straws and objects with fire bending. ???Fire!??? yelled the commander. The catapult let the ball loose and fired it flying across the sky. ???Almost there??? muttered Aang. Aang could see a bright light coming from his left it was a fireball headed right for him. ???Just my luck??? Aang said to himself. Aang turned his staff to the left and headed straight for the ball of fire. He removed his right hand from the staff and got ready to air bender. Trying to keep his glider steady with one hand he still was able to maneuver an attack. Aang sent shots of air right threw the ball putting the fire out instantly and shredding the ball of yarns to pieces. ???I really should think up of a more creative way to destroy those things,??? Aang muttered to himself. He turned his glider to the east and headed towards a small camp behind some stalagmites. Aang landed in near the small camp.

    ??

    ??Soldiers were running around franticly giving orders to soldiers, and tending to the wounded. ???Were losing him,??? yelled one soldier near Aang who was tending to a water tribe soldier who had been hit with a shot of fire. Aang ran over to help the doctor. ???How is he??? asked Aang. ???He???s been hit pretty bad??? bad yelled the solider.

    I'm sorry, but that's a very careless mistake.

    The thunder roared loudly and Aang turned his head around briefly. ???Can you help him all the water benders are out in the battle field???? asked the solider. ???Alright stand back,??? said Aang. The soldier was moaning and was dieing quicker by the second. Aang water bent the water from the surrounding puddles and coated the man in a bubble of water. His wound glowed for a moment at the soldier opened his eyes. Aang dropped the water and the solider sat up. ???Thank you avatar how will I have repay you??? said the solider. ???Don???t worry about it, its what I do best,??? replayed Aang.

    ??

    A soldier approached Aang his tunic completely cover in mud. ??? Avatar Aang sir general Sokka is waiting for you??? said the soldier. ???Alright take me to him??? replied Aang. The solider took Aang to Sokka who was sitting behind a stalagmite wiping the mud and dirt from his sword. Sokka now in his early twenties was much bigger and masculine. He wore the same style of clothing Master Paku wore in wars when he was running the army. Sokka now wore his father???s style of hair. ???It???s about time you got here, its hell out there??? snickered Sokka. ???I noticed,??? replied Aang. Aang sat beside him behind the rock. ???So how have you been??? asked Sokka. ???Same old same old??? replied Aang. ???Interesting??? said Sokka.

    Just pausing to say that the dialogue could be a LOT more interesting...

    Just then a large boulder crashed threw the protecting wall leaving a gap in the wall protecting the water tribe soldiers. ???Oh this cant get any better,??? said Sokka. Aang peaked his head around the rock protecting the two. Sokka grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. ???Are you crazy!??? yelled Sokka. ???What??? replied Aang? ???Well if you want to get hit in the face with a huge rock go ahead and see what???s going on, I???ve almost been hit by three today already??? said Sokka. ???Alright, alright, jeez I don???t get these renegades and there ways,??? said Aang. ???Well the fire benders don???t want Zuko leading them, and most of the earth benders are former members of the Dai Lee they don???t want to be allied,??? replied Sokka. ???We out number them what there doing??? Aang???s reply was cut short when a fire boulder crashed into the wall next to the two. ???Alight that???s it, im cold, hungry and have been fighting all day I say we end this now??? said Sokka. ???Alright ready??? said Aang. ???Ready replied Sokka. The two ran out from behind the rock and charged into the battle.

    There are SO MANY GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES!

    Your story could be so much better if you just fixed this! Also, the dialogue is commonly mistyped.

    It should be:

    "That's exciting," said Katara sarcastically.

    "Sarcasm doesn't become you," Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    It should NOT be:

    "That's exciting" said Katara sarcastically. "Sarcasm doesn't become you" Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    Your story has potential, but the grammar is so distracting that it's incredibly confusing, and I am not reluctant to say that it doesn't help that the story would be confusing in the first place. If you can take the time to proofread the??future chapters??several times and ask yourself what works and what doesn't, then I will applaud you for your change of writing style.

    You must be registered and logged in to post a message.
  • Avatar of SapphireStones

    SapphireStones

    [5]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 05/31/06
    • level: 15
    • rank: Ginsu Knife
    • posts: 2,251
    piranhapete wrote:
    Tv-man117 wrote:

    Here is chapter 1 I know its long but please give it a chance i really think you will like it leave comments please.

    Book 5: Shadow???? Chapter 1: Into the Valley

    The sun is shining bright and the wind whistles across the skies over top a floor of clouds.

    This sentence is in present tense, but many other sentences are in past tense.

    A white bison shoots into view flying over top the bunched up clouds. ???Appa yip yip??? commanded Aang.

    Like this one.

    Appa flies up and shoots down threw the wall of clouds into the storm. Aang and Appa plummet down from the skies, the rain pouring down. Lighting shoots down right beside the two as they plummet down wards into the rocky valley. As they grew closer Aang could start to make out the hundreds of water tribe benders and soldiers battle renegade earth benders and fire benders.

    I read it five times and I still can't figure out what this sentence means...

    ???See you later buddy,??? yelled Aang. Aang turned around searching for his staff franticly but could barley make out anything because of the amount of rain blurring his vision.

    Good imagery.

    After feeling around for it Aang finally grabs the wooden staff and throws it out into the sky, the staff opens its sides and glides in front of Appa whose vision was blurred and seemed to be rocking from side to side. ???Hold on for just a while longer Appa all see you down there??? yelled Aang. Aang dived off Appas head and grabbed the staff and began to decent

    I'm trying not to be picky about the grammar, but this should be "began to descend" or "began his descent."

    into the ongoing battle. The renegade earth benders and fire benders were launching giant balls of fire from their catapults into the water tribe soldier???s bunkers.

    ??A bit interesting, I guess.

    ?????Hurry up launch another one before the avatar gets here I think I can see him??? yelled one of the renegade soldiers. ???What I can barley

    Second time this typo is made... it's "barely."

    see you with all this rain???! Replied the other soldier. ???Just light the damn thing,??? yelled the commanding soldier. The soldier lit the ball of flammable straws and objects with fire bending. ???Fire!??? yelled the commander. The catapult let the ball loose and fired it flying across the sky. ???Almost there??? muttered Aang. Aang could see a bright light coming from his left it was a fireball headed right for him. ???Just my luck??? Aang said to himself. Aang turned his staff to the left and headed straight for the ball of fire. He removed his right hand from the staff and got ready to air bender. Trying to keep his glider steady with one hand he still was able to maneuver an attack. Aang sent shots of air right threw the ball putting the fire out instantly and shredding the ball of yarns to pieces. ???I really should think up of a more creative way to destroy those things,??? Aang muttered to himself. He turned his glider to the east and headed towards a small camp behind some stalagmites. Aang landed in near the small camp.

    ??

    ??Soldiers were running around franticly giving orders to soldiers, and tending to the wounded. ???Were losing him,??? yelled one soldier near Aang who was tending to a water tribe soldier who had been hit with a shot of fire. Aang ran over to help the doctor. ???How is he??? asked Aang. ???He???s been hit pretty bad??? bad yelled the solider.

    I'm sorry, but that's a very careless mistake.

    The thunder roared loudly and Aang turned his head around briefly. ???Can you help him all the water benders are out in the battle field???? asked the solider. ???Alright stand back,??? said Aang. The soldier was moaning and was dieing quicker by the second. Aang water bent the water from the surrounding puddles and coated the man in a bubble of water. His wound glowed for a moment at the soldier opened his eyes. Aang dropped the water and the solider sat up. ???Thank you avatar how will I have repay you??? said the solider. ???Don???t worry about it, its what I do best,??? replayed Aang.

    ??

    A soldier approached Aang his tunic completely cover in mud. ??? Avatar Aang sir general Sokka is waiting for you??? said the soldier. ???Alright take me to him??? replied Aang. The solider took Aang to Sokka who was sitting behind a stalagmite wiping the mud and dirt from his sword. Sokka now in his early twenties was much bigger and masculine. He wore the same style of clothing Master Paku wore in wars when he was running the army. Sokka now wore his father???s style of hair. ???It???s about time you got here, its hell out there??? snickered Sokka. ???I noticed,??? replied Aang. Aang sat beside him behind the rock. ???So how have you been??? asked Sokka. ???Same old same old??? replied Aang. ???Interesting??? said Sokka.

    Just pausing to say that the dialogue could be a LOT more interesting...

    Just then a large boulder crashed threw the protecting wall leaving a gap in the wall protecting the water tribe soldiers. ???Oh this cant get any better,??? said Sokka. Aang peaked his head around the rock protecting the two. Sokka grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. ???Are you crazy!??? yelled Sokka. ???What??? replied Aang? ???Well if you want to get hit in the face with a huge rock go ahead and see what???s going on, I???ve almost been hit by three today already??? said Sokka. ???Alright, alright, jeez I don???t get these renegades and there ways,??? said Aang. ???Well the fire benders don???t want Zuko leading them, and most of the earth benders are former members of the Dai Lee they don???t want to be allied,??? replied Sokka. ???We out number them what there doing??? Aang???s reply was cut short when a fire boulder crashed into the wall next to the two. ???Alight that???s it, im cold, hungry and have been fighting all day I say we end this now??? said Sokka. ???Alright ready??? said Aang. ???Ready replied Sokka. The two ran out from behind the rock and charged into the battle.

    There are SO MANY GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES!

    Your story could be so much better if you just fixed this! Also, the dialogue is commonly mistyped.

    It should be:

    "That's exciting," said Katara sarcastically.

    "Sarcasm doesn't become you," Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    It should NOT be:

    "That's exciting" said Katara sarcastically. "Sarcasm doesn't become you" Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    Your story has potential, but the grammar is so distracting that it's incredibly confusing, and I am not reluctant to say that it doesn't help that the story would be confusing in the first place. If you can take the time to proofread the??future chapters??several times and ask yourself what works and what doesn't, then I will applaud you for your change of writing style.


    She's right. i am very picky about grammer, but she basically said it all.

    U r so cool. Ur my new gramatically corect best friend. lol
    You must be registered and logged in to post a message.
  • Avatar of piranhapete

    piranhapete

    [6]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 12/31/04
    • level: 11
    • rank: Red Shirted Lt.
    • posts: 3,135
    SapphireStones wrote:
    piranhapete wrote:
    Tv-man117 wrote:

    Here is chapter 1 I know its long but please give it a chance i really think you will like it leave comments please.

    Book 5: Shadow???? Chapter 1: Into the Valley

    The sun is shining bright and the wind whistles across the skies over top a floor of clouds.

    This sentence is in present tense, but many other sentences are in past tense.

    A white bison shoots into view flying over top the bunched up clouds. ???Appa yip yip??? commanded Aang.

    Like this one.

    Appa flies up and shoots down threw the wall of clouds into the storm. Aang and Appa plummet down from the skies, the rain pouring down. Lighting shoots down right beside the two as they plummet down wards into the rocky valley. As they grew closer Aang could start to make out the hundreds of water tribe benders and soldiers battle renegade earth benders and fire benders.

    I read it five times and I still can't figure out what this sentence means...

    ???See you later buddy,??? yelled Aang. Aang turned around searching for his staff franticly but could barley make out anything because of the amount of rain blurring his vision.

    Good imagery.

    After feeling around for it Aang finally grabs the wooden staff and throws it out into the sky, the staff opens its sides and glides in front of Appa whose vision was blurred and seemed to be rocking from side to side. ???Hold on for just a while longer Appa all see you down there??? yelled Aang. Aang dived off Appas head and grabbed the staff and began to decent

    I'm trying not to be picky about the grammar, but this should be "began to descend" or "began his descent."

    into the ongoing battle. The renegade earth benders and fire benders were launching giant balls of fire from their catapults into the water tribe soldier???s bunkers.

    ??A bit interesting, I guess.

    ?????Hurry up launch another one before the avatar gets here I think I can see him??? yelled one of the renegade soldiers. ???What I can barley

    Second time this typo is made... it's "barely."

    see you with all this rain???! Replied the other soldier. ???Just light the damn thing,??? yelled the commanding soldier. The soldier lit the ball of flammable straws and objects with fire bending. ???Fire!??? yelled the commander. The catapult let the ball loose and fired it flying across the sky. ???Almost there??? muttered Aang. Aang could see a bright light coming from his left it was a fireball headed right for him. ???Just my luck??? Aang said to himself. Aang turned his staff to the left and headed straight for the ball of fire. He removed his right hand from the staff and got ready to air bender. Trying to keep his glider steady with one hand he still was able to maneuver an attack. Aang sent shots of air right threw the ball putting the fire out instantly and shredding the ball of yarns to pieces. ???I really should think up of a more creative way to destroy those things,??? Aang muttered to himself. He turned his glider to the east and headed towards a small camp behind some stalagmites. Aang landed in near the small camp.

    ??

    ??Soldiers were running around franticly giving orders to soldiers, and tending to the wounded. ???Were losing him,??? yelled one soldier near Aang who was tending to a water tribe soldier who had been hit with a shot of fire. Aang ran over to help the doctor. ???How is he??? asked Aang. ???He???s been hit pretty bad??? bad yelled the solider.

    I'm sorry, but that's a very careless mistake.

    The thunder roared loudly and Aang turned his head around briefly. ???Can you help him all the water benders are out in the battle field???? asked the solider. ???Alright stand back,??? said Aang. The soldier was moaning and was dieing quicker by the second. Aang water bent the water from the surrounding puddles and coated the man in a bubble of water. His wound glowed for a moment at the soldier opened his eyes. Aang dropped the water and the solider sat up. ???Thank you avatar how will I have repay you??? said the solider. ???Don???t worry about it, its what I do best,??? replayed Aang.

    ??

    A soldier approached Aang his tunic completely cover in mud. ??? Avatar Aang sir general Sokka is waiting for you??? said the soldier. ???Alright take me to him??? replied Aang. The solider took Aang to Sokka who was sitting behind a stalagmite wiping the mud and dirt from his sword. Sokka now in his early twenties was much bigger and masculine. He wore the same style of clothing Master Paku wore in wars when he was running the army. Sokka now wore his father???s style of hair. ???It???s about time you got here, its hell out there??? snickered Sokka. ???I noticed,??? replied Aang. Aang sat beside him behind the rock. ???So how have you been??? asked Sokka. ???Same old same old??? replied Aang. ???Interesting??? said Sokka.

    Just pausing to say that the dialogue could be a LOT more interesting...

    Just then a large boulder crashed threw the protecting wall leaving a gap in the wall protecting the water tribe soldiers. ???Oh this cant get any better,??? said Sokka. Aang peaked his head around the rock protecting the two. Sokka grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. ???Are you crazy!??? yelled Sokka. ???What??? replied Aang? ???Well if you want to get hit in the face with a huge rock go ahead and see what???s going on, I???ve almost been hit by three today already??? said Sokka. ???Alright, alright, jeez I don???t get these renegades and there ways,??? said Aang. ???Well the fire benders don???t want Zuko leading them, and most of the earth benders are former members of the Dai Lee they don???t want to be allied,??? replied Sokka. ???We out number them what there doing??? Aang???s reply was cut short when a fire boulder crashed into the wall next to the two. ???Alight that???s it, im cold, hungry and have been fighting all day I say we end this now??? said Sokka. ???Alright ready??? said Aang. ???Ready replied Sokka. The two ran out from behind the rock and charged into the battle.

    There are SO MANY GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES!

    Your story could be so much better if you just fixed this! Also, the dialogue is commonly mistyped.

    It should be:

    "That's exciting," said Katara sarcastically.

    "Sarcasm doesn't become you," Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    It should NOT be:

    "That's exciting" said Katara sarcastically. "Sarcasm doesn't become you" Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    Your story has potential, but the grammar is so distracting that it's incredibly confusing, and I am not reluctant to say that it doesn't help that the story would be confusing in the first place. If you can take the time to proofread the??future chapters??several times and ask yourself what works and what doesn't, then I will applaud you for your change of writing style.


    She's right. i am very picky about grammer, but she basically said it all.

    U r so cool. Ur my new gramatically corect best friend. lol


    Well, I'm a guy, but thank you all the same!
    You must be registered and logged in to post a message.
  • Avatar of SapphireStones

    SapphireStones

    [7]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 05/31/06
    • level: 15
    • rank: Ginsu Knife
    • posts: 2,251
    piranhapete wrote:
    SapphireStones wrote:
    piranhapete wrote:
    Tv-man117 wrote:

    Here is chapter 1 I know its long but please give it a chance i really think you will like it leave comments please.

    Book 5: Shadow???? Chapter 1: Into the Valley

    The sun is shining bright and the wind whistles across the skies over top a floor of clouds.

    This sentence is in present tense, but many other sentences are in past tense.

    A white bison shoots into view flying over top the bunched up clouds. ???Appa yip yip??? commanded Aang.

    Like this one.

    Appa flies up and shoots down threw the wall of clouds into the storm. Aang and Appa plummet down from the skies, the rain pouring down. Lighting shoots down right beside the two as they plummet down wards into the rocky valley. As they grew closer Aang could start to make out the hundreds of water tribe benders and soldiers battle renegade earth benders and fire benders.

    I read it five times and I still can't figure out what this sentence means...

    ???See you later buddy,??? yelled Aang. Aang turned around searching for his staff franticly but could barley make out anything because of the amount of rain blurring his vision.

    Good imagery.

    After feeling around for it Aang finally grabs the wooden staff and throws it out into the sky, the staff opens its sides and glides in front of Appa whose vision was blurred and seemed to be rocking from side to side. ???Hold on for just a while longer Appa all see you down there??? yelled Aang. Aang dived off Appas head and grabbed the staff and began to decent

    I'm trying not to be picky about the grammar, but this should be "began to descend" or "began his descent."

    into the ongoing battle. The renegade earth benders and fire benders were launching giant balls of fire from their catapults into the water tribe soldier???s bunkers.

    ??A bit interesting, I guess.

    ?????Hurry up launch another one before the avatar gets here I think I can see him??? yelled one of the renegade soldiers. ???What I can barley

    Second time this typo is made... it's "barely."

    see you with all this rain???! Replied the other soldier. ???Just light the damn thing,??? yelled the commanding soldier. The soldier lit the ball of flammable straws and objects with fire bending. ???Fire!??? yelled the commander. The catapult let the ball loose and fired it flying across the sky. ???Almost there??? muttered Aang. Aang could see a bright light coming from his left it was a fireball headed right for him. ???Just my luck??? Aang said to himself. Aang turned his staff to the left and headed straight for the ball of fire. He removed his right hand from the staff and got ready to air bender. Trying to keep his glider steady with one hand he still was able to maneuver an attack. Aang sent shots of air right threw the ball putting the fire out instantly and shredding the ball of yarns to pieces. ???I really should think up of a more creative way to destroy those things,??? Aang muttered to himself. He turned his glider to the east and headed towards a small camp behind some stalagmites. Aang landed in near the small camp.

    ??

    ??Soldiers were running around franticly giving orders to soldiers, and tending to the wounded. ???Were losing him,??? yelled one soldier near Aang who was tending to a water tribe soldier who had been hit with a shot of fire. Aang ran over to help the doctor. ???How is he??? asked Aang. ???He???s been hit pretty bad??? bad yelled the solider.

    I'm sorry, but that's a very careless mistake.

    The thunder roared loudly and Aang turned his head around briefly. ???Can you help him all the water benders are out in the battle field???? asked the solider. ???Alright stand back,??? said Aang. The soldier was moaning and was dieing quicker by the second. Aang water bent the water from the surrounding puddles and coated the man in a bubble of water. His wound glowed for a moment at the soldier opened his eyes. Aang dropped the water and the solider sat up. ???Thank you avatar how will I have repay you??? said the solider. ???Don???t worry about it, its what I do best,??? replayed Aang.

    ??

    A soldier approached Aang his tunic completely cover in mud. ??? Avatar Aang sir general Sokka is waiting for you??? said the soldier. ???Alright take me to him??? replied Aang. The solider took Aang to Sokka who was sitting behind a stalagmite wiping the mud and dirt from his sword. Sokka now in his early twenties was much bigger and masculine. He wore the same style of clothing Master Paku wore in wars when he was running the army. Sokka now wore his father???s style of hair. ???It???s about time you got here, its hell out there??? snickered Sokka. ???I noticed,??? replied Aang. Aang sat beside him behind the rock. ???So how have you been??? asked Sokka. ???Same old same old??? replied Aang. ???Interesting??? said Sokka.

    Just pausing to say that the dialogue could be a LOT more interesting...

    Just then a large boulder crashed threw the protecting wall leaving a gap in the wall protecting the water tribe soldiers. ???Oh this cant get any better,??? said Sokka. Aang peaked his head around the rock protecting the two. Sokka grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. ???Are you crazy!??? yelled Sokka. ???What??? replied Aang? ???Well if you want to get hit in the face with a huge rock go ahead and see what???s going on, I???ve almost been hit by three today already??? said Sokka. ???Alright, alright, jeez I don???t get these renegades and there ways,??? said Aang. ???Well the fire benders don???t want Zuko leading them, and most of the earth benders are former members of the Dai Lee they don???t want to be allied,??? replied Sokka. ???We out number them what there doing??? Aang???s reply was cut short when a fire boulder crashed into the wall next to the two. ???Alight that???s it, im cold, hungry and have been fighting all day I say we end this now??? said Sokka. ???Alright ready??? said Aang. ???Ready replied Sokka. The two ran out from behind the rock and charged into the battle.

    There are SO MANY GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES!

    Your story could be so much better if you just fixed this! Also, the dialogue is commonly mistyped.

    It should be:

    "That's exciting," said Katara sarcastically.

    "Sarcasm doesn't become you," Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    It should NOT be:

    "That's exciting" said Katara sarcastically. "Sarcasm doesn't become you" Sokka replied unhesitantly.

    Your story has potential, but the grammar is so distracting that it's incredibly confusing, and I am not reluctant to say that it doesn't help that the story would be confusing in the first place. If you can take the time to proofread the??future chapters??several times and ask yourself what works and what doesn't, then I will applaud you for your change of writing style.


    She's right. i am very picky about grammer, but she basically said it all.

    U r so cool. Ur my new gramatically corect best friend. lol


    Well, I'm a guy, but thank you all the same!

    Ahhhhhhhhh! Sorry! lol.

    HE'S my new gramatically correct best friend. lol
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  • Avatar of SapphireStones

    SapphireStones

    [8]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 05/31/06
    • level: 15
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    Even though I see I just spelled correct wrong above....lol
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  • Avatar of Tv-man117

    Tv-man117

    [9]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/09/06
    • level: 4
    • rank: Thighmaster
    • posts: 102
    Alright thanks if i post a second chapter i will??use lots of your advice so you can enjoy it more.
    Edited on 11/11/2006 11:37am
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  • Avatar of Lord-darkboy

    Lord-darkboy

    [10]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/11/06
    • level: 10
    • rank: Holy Level 10!
    • posts: 1,237
    nice story??but i was confused in the start of fire and earth benders working together and on the end we know why
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  • Avatar of Eman5805

    Eman5805

    [11]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 11/05/04
    • level: 14
    • rank: Autobot
    • posts: 5,943
    You definetly need to introduce atleast one new main character...
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  • Avatar of Lord-darkboy

    Lord-darkboy

    [12]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/11/06
    • level: 10
    • rank: Holy Level 10!
    • posts: 1,237
    make me, darkboy, a new character a advanced lighting bender
    Edited on 11/11/2006 11:42am
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  • Avatar of Eman5805

    Eman5805

    [13]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 11/05/04
    • level: 14
    • rank: Autobot
    • posts: 5,943

    Oh and I LOVED the idea about Sozin's Mask...it's like Majora's Mask(a game I loved) only with a tighter person wearing it(and not some Skull Kid)

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  • Avatar of Tv-man117

    Tv-man117

    [14]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/09/06
    • level: 4
    • rank: Thighmaster
    • posts: 102

    Eman5805 wrote:
    You definitely need to introduce at least one new main character...

    I will introduce new characters don't worry.

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  • Avatar of Lord-darkboy

    Lord-darkboy

    [15]Nov 11, 2006
    • member since: 10/11/06
    • level: 10
    • rank: Holy Level 10!
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    Lord-darkboy wrote:
    make me, darkboy, a new character a advanced lighting bender

    i didn't make a joke when i said this create a advanced lightning bender the name however was a joke

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  • Avatar of Tv-man117

    Tv-man117

    [16]Nov 12, 2006
    • member since: 10/09/06
    • level: 4
    • rank: Thighmaster
    • posts: 102

    Here is chapter 2. Leave your suggestions a advice please, I'm hoping that by chapter 4 all the kinks will be worked out so you can enjoy the stroy alot more. I have taken most of everyones advice and used it.

    Book 5: Shadow?????????????????????? Chapter 2: Into the valley part 2

    The battle waged on and the weather didn???t seem to get any better. Sokka and Aang ran across the rocky plain having to duck every now and then from a shot of fire flying by.

    ???Aang you need to get up on that ledge and take care of those catapults so my men can move forward??? said Sokka.

    ???Alright??? I???ll do my best,??? replied Aang

    Aang created an air sphere and jumped on. He zoomed past the enemy troops almost knocking them on there back because of the great speed he was able to go at. He zipped straight up the face of the valley to wear the catapults were located. Aang landed perfectly on his feet at the top only to be met by the renegade soldiers. One soldier attempted to hit Aang but missed when Aang jumped right over him. Aang froze a dozen or so of the large droplets of rain and sent them forward knocking the soldiers right off the side of the ledge. Aang looked down the ledge to make sure Sokka was ok. He appeared to be in a fistfight with another soldier. Aang however had no time to go assist Sokka because the catapults were laying siege to the water tribe???s camps. Aang got in his earth-bending stance and send a burst of rock right down the floor of the ledge ripping threw the catapults. The battle area was safe and the soldiers of the water tribes jumped from behind their barricades and began to push back the renegades. Aang watched from above the valley as the water soldiers pushed the renegades into the caves leading into tunnels deep beneath the valley???s surface. Aang jumped off the ledge and landed on his feet softly to meet up with Sokka.

    ??

    ???Well looks like this fights over,??? said Sokka

    ???What makes you think that???? replied Aang

    ???Well there stuck under the earth and you are technically a master earth bender so you can just you know???? insisted Sokka.

    ???Sokka are you crazy they may be are enemies but I am not going to do something as horrible as that,??? replied Aang.

    ???Why not they???ve tried to hurt you and your friends you could put a huge dent in their plans right now so why are you hesitating!??? yelled Sokka.

    ???Because I am not just going to kill hundreds in cold blood I am suppose to keep peace not kill hundreds??? replied Aang in a defensive voice.

    ???Why not you sure seemed to kill Ozai in cold blood oh wit how many others have there been. You sure didn???t think twice about some of them ??? said Sokka.

    ???You know I wasn???t in control of myself at the time!??? said Aang now right in front of Sokka face.

    ???Fine but if even one of my men is hurt down there that???s one husband, father or son who won???t be returning home. Just think about that while you???re down there,??? replied Sokka poking his finger at Aang.

    Aang did not replay to Sokka???s remark and instead held his head low. His stomach felt heavy as he walked past the soldiers giving him looks of disbelieve. ???Alright men lets go,??? commanded Sokka.

    ??

    The tunnels were lit very poorly; a few torches attached to the walls on the cave were lit giving a small bit of light. Sokka and Aang were at the front of the group of about forty men leading the way.

    ???All right everyone be very quite we don???t want them to know that were coming??? whispered Sokka to everyone behind him. The group continued down deeper under the earth. Drops of cold water made their way threw the ground and would occasionally hit some one on the head.

    ???Look Sokka a light!??? said Aang. Sokka pulled a small paper from one of his pockets and began to examine it.

    ???From the maps of these tunnels I have I think were nearing the center point of the valley,??? said Sokka.

    Aang leaned in to take a peak into the center room.

    ???Sokka there???s a few guys in there??? whispered Aang.

    One of the renegade soldiers turned there around to notice Aang staring at them.

    ???Run!??? yelled one of them.

    Aang quickly blocked them with a quick kick to the ground and a large slab of rock rose from the ground and blocked their way. The renegades tried to get out the other way but were met with just another wall of rock. Finally coming to their senses the soldiers dropped to their knees and put their hands up in the air in defeat.

    ???Its about time you people gave up??? said Sokka to the soldiers who just stared in disgust at him.

    ???Soldier go tell the remaining captains to take there troops threw the rest of the tunnels and clear out the rest of the renegades??? commanded Sokka.

    ???Yes Sir??? replied the soldier who then started running towards the exit.

    ???Come on Aang lets get out of here??? said Sokka. Aang just stayed silent and followed.

    ??

    When the two emerged outside again the rain had finally stopped and rays of light were beginning to break threw the wall of gray clouds in the sky.

    ???Finally the weather is improving??? said Sokka.

    Aang still would not talk to him.

    ???Look Aang im sorry about before, its just you know I have to look out for these guys and I don???t want to see any of them hurt??? said Sokka who was trying to apologize to Aang.

    ???I guess I understand,??? replied Aang.

    ???Come on bud cheer up??? said Sokka.

    Aang smirked and Sokka gave him a punch in the arm saying, ???Come on Aang, friends????

    ???Ya I guess,??? said Aang with a smile on his face.

    ???Good, well I guess all see you around then,??? said Sokka.

    ???I???ll see you at the next fight then??? laughed Aang.

    ???Oh that???s right I almost forgot. If you don???t have to go anywhere the earth king is having his annual ball in Omashu. I don???t really want to go but Arnook says I have to but I thought I would visit Toph while I was there. So you want to come???? asked Sokka.

    ??? I don???t know,??? replied Aang.

    ???Oh Katara got invited too. It took me I while to persuade her, she has just been moping for the last week ever since??she broke up with that boy friend of hers??? said Sokka.

    ???Well I guess I can go,??? said Aang with excitement.

    ???Alright I will see you there??? replied Sokka.

    ??

    Coming soon Chapter 3: The Earth Kings Ball

    Note: the main story will begin next chapter and all the charchters Zuko,Toph,Katara and more will be back.

    Edited on 11/12/2006 5:00pm
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  • Avatar of Tv-man117

    Tv-man117

    [19]Nov 12, 2006
    • member since: 10/09/06
    • level: 4
    • rank: Thighmaster
    • posts: 102
    please i need comments so i can improve on it.
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  • Avatar of piranhapete

    piranhapete

    [20]Nov 12, 2006
    • member since: 12/31/04
    • level: 11
    • rank: Red Shirted Lt.
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    Mmkay... well there are still a lot of grammar things which aren't really your fault, so I'm just gonna point them out. I'm not condemning you or anything because it's apparent you put some more effort into the correctness. Please pay attention to anything in bold. Just giving you a warning.

    Tv-man117 wrote:

    Here is chapter 2. Leave your suggestions a advice please, I'm hoping that by chapter 4 all the kinks will be worked out so you can enjoy the stroy alot more. I have taken most of everyones advice and used it.

    Book 5: Shadow?????????????????????? Chapter 2: Into the valley part 2

    The battle waged

    raged

    ??on and the weather didn???t seem to get any better. Sokka and Aang ran across the rocky plain, having to duck every now and then from a shot of fire flying by.

    ???Aang, you need to get up on that ledge and take care of those catapults so my men can move forward,??? said Sokka.

    Commas are your friend. Remember that when you end a quote of someone talking, you need some sort of a punctuation mark. If you need a period, put a comma instead. I'm not going to mark that later on in the story, though, so just remember this.

    ???Alright??? I???ll do my best,??? replied Aang

    Aang created an air sphere and jumped on. He zoomed past the enemy troops almost knocking them on there back because of the great speed he was able to go at.

    You might want to just say "because of the great speed" or something a little shorter.??

    ??He zipped straight up the face of the valley to wear (where) the catapults were located. Aang landed perfectly on his feet at the top only to be met by the renegade soldiers. One soldier attempted to hit Aang but missed when Aang jumped right over him. Aang froze a dozen or so of the large droplets of rain and sent them forward knocking the soldiers right off the side of the ledge. Aang looked down the ledge to make sure Sokka was ok.

    It's usually customary to only use the abbreviation of "okay" when people are talking.

    He appeared to be in a fistfight with another soldier. Aang however had no time to go assist Sokka because the catapults were laying siege to the water tribe???s camps. Aang got in his earth-bending stance and send a burst of rock right down the floor of the ledge ripping threw (through) the catapults.

    This sentence had good potential.

    The battle area was safe and the soldiers of the water tribes jumped from behind their barricades and began to push back the renegades. Aang watched from above the valley as the water soldiers pushed the renegades into the caves leading into tunnels deep beneath the valley???s surface. Aang jumped off the ledge and landed on his feet softly to meet up with Sokka.

    ??

    ???Well, looks like this fights over,??? said Sokka

    ???What makes you think that???? replied Aang

    ???Well there (they're) stuck under the earth and you are technically a master earth bender so you can just you know???? insisted Sokka.

    "You can just you know?" is a bit awkward. I would add a "..." between the just and the you and add something about Sokka gesturing, but that's just me.

    ???Sokka are you crazy they may be are enemies but I am not going to do something as horrible as that,??? replied Aang.

    "Sokka are you crazy?" and "They may be enemies..." should be two different sentences.

    ???Why not they???ve tried to hurt you and your friends you could put a huge dent in their plans right now so why are you hesitating!??? yelled Sokka.

    Again it blends two sentences together. Also, "hesitating" should be followed by a question mark. It would also add greater variety if you used the form of "Sokka yelled" rather than continually doing the reverse. Alternating every now and then helps the story stay fluid.

    ???Because I am not just going to kill hundreds in cold blood I am suppose to keep peace not kill hundreds??? replied Aang in a defensive voice.

    This part is a high point of the story; to make it even higher you could seperated "Because I am... in cold blood," with "I am supposed... not kill hundreds."

    ???Why not you sure seemed to kill Ozai in cold blood oh wit (what) how many others have there been. (been?) You sure didn???t think twice about some of them ??? said Sokka.

    ???You know I wasn???t in control of myself at the time!??? said Aang now right in front of Sokka face.

    ???Fine but if even one of my men is hurt down there that???s one husband, father or son who won???t be returning home. Just think about that while you???re down there,??? replied Sokka poking his finger at Aang.

    This is definetely the best part of the??chapter in my opinion. It's really a great argument and both sides have validity.

    Aang did not replay (respond?) to Sokka???s remark and instead held his head low. His stomach felt heavy as he walked past the soldiers giving him looks of disbelieve. (disbelief) ???Alright men(,) lets go,??? commanded Sokka.

    ??Hooray!

    The tunnels were lit very poorly; a few torches attached to the walls on the cave were lit giving a small bit of light. Sokka and Aang were at the front of the group of about forty men(,) leading the way.

    ???All right everyone(,) be very quite??(quiet)(.)??we don???t want them to know that were (we're) coming??? whispered Sokka to everyone behind him. The group continued down deeper under the earth. Drops of cold water made their way threw the ground and would occasionally hit some one on the head.

    ???Look Sokka(!) a light!??? said Aang. Sokka pulled a small paper from one of his pockets and began to examine it.

    ???From the maps of these tunnels I have I think were nearing the center point of the valley,??? said Sokka.

    Aang leaned in to take a peak (peek) into the center room.

    ???Sokka(,) there???s a few guys in there??? whispered Aang.

    One of the renegade soldiers turned there (not nessecary)??around to notice Aang staring at them.

    ???Run!??? yelled one of them.

    Aang quickly blocked them with a quick kick to the ground and a large slab of rock rose from the ground and blocked their way.

    Neat! An adverb describing Aang's action would make it terriffic. However, typically you should avoid saying and more than once in a sentence, even if you have a reason, unless you're making a point of it.

    The renegades tried to get out the other way but were met with just another wall of rock. Finally coming to their senses the soldiers dropped to their knees and put their hands up in the air in defeat.

    ???Its about time you people gave up??? said Sokka to the soldiers who just stared in disgust at him.

    ???Soldier(,)??(a name would be more realistic)??go tell the remaining captains to take there troops threw (through) the rest of the tunnels and clear out the rest of the renegades??? commanded Sokka.

    ???Yes Sir??? replied the soldier who then started running towards the exit.

    ???Come on Aang(.) lets get out of here??? said Sokka. Aang just stayed silent and followed.

    ??

    When the two emerged outside again the rain had finally stopped and rays of light were beginning to break threw (through)??the wall of gray clouds in the sky.

    ???Finally the weather is improving(,)??? said Sokka.

    Aang still would not talk to him.

    ???Look Aang im sorry about before, (.)??its (It's) just you know I have to look out for these guys and I don???t want to see any of them hurt??? said Sokka who was trying to apologize to Aang.

    ???I guess I understand,??? replied Aang.

    ???Come on bud cheer up??? said Sokka.

    Aang smirked and Sokka gave him a punch in the arm saying, ???Come on Aang, friends????

    ???Ya (Yeah is a lot more commonly accepted) I guess,??? said Aang with a smile on his face.

    ???Good, well I guess all see you around then,??? said Sokka.

    ???I???ll see you at the next fight then??? laughed Aang.

    ???Oh that???s right I almost forgot. If you don???t have to go anywhere the earth king is having his annual ball in Omashu. I don???t really want to go but Arnook says I have to but (and, not but) I thought I would visit Toph while I was there. So you want to come???? asked Sokka.

    ??? I don???t know,??? replied Aang.

    ???Oh Katara got invited too. It took me I while to persuade her, she has just been moping for the last week ever since??she broke up with that boy friend (boyfriend is one word) of hers??? said Sokka.

    ???Well I guess I can go,??? said Aang with excitement.

    ???Alright I will see you there??? replied Sokka.

    ??

    Coming soon Chapter 3: The Earth Kings Ball

    Note: the main story will begin next chapter and all the charchters Zuko,Toph,Katara and more will be back.

    You've improved, but you're commonly getting words mixed up like peak and peek, but you really need to concentrate on the difference of through and threw. It would also help if you tried to seperate run-on sentences. You have a ton of them in your dialogue it's annoying. (That would be a run-on sentence.) You still have some places where you don't have punctiation after character quotes.

    Nonetheless, it's a pretty good story so far and it's a lot better than the first chapter.

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